Nobody Said It Would Be Easy…Part I

before and now November 2012

So, this is me. The left side is me end of October, 2011. The right side is me, late September, 2012.

I have so many moments of thinking I “should” be further along than I am. And then, I look at this side by side photo.

When the first photo was taken, I was at my worst. I know, to some, I may not look so bad. But you know..I was eating nothing but crap. I wasn’t getting any exercise. I started drinking pop/soda again for the first time in 10 years or so, I was eating processed foods. Easy things to make, because I had a quad injury and that made it hard to stand and cook or do much of anything. Getting up off the couch was hard.

My clothes no longer fit. I didn’t feel good in anything. I was struggling to keep my underwear on most days. It was always rolling and bunching because my belly was growing by the minute. I felt myself expanding. I would lay in bed and poke my belly, (I know I’m not the only one who’s ever done that). I would think things like “I am going to die in bed one day…” as my last thought before I’d fall asleep. I started snoring. I don’t snore. I have never snored. But I started snoring. And I’d wake myself up because I’d hear myself snoring. I was mortified the first time it happened. I don’t snore. How on earth was I now suddenly snoring.  And then one night when it happened, when I woke up coughing because clearly I wasn’t breathing for a second, I realized, I was developing sleep apnea. I know it happens to a lot of overweight people. But I guess I figured as long as it never happened to me, things weren’t too bad.

There’s something very disconcerting about waking up with that realization. That I now had developed sleep apnea. I’d lay in bed for a time, just thinking about dying in my sleep. And because I live alone, no one would know. Not for a few days anyway. Then, it would be like one of those horrible reality tv shows, where they’d have to take my bedroom window out so they could get me out of the house. And I’d be naked. Because of course, none of my sexy night time lingerie fit me anymore. So I’d be naked, and they’d have to get me out of my house using my bedroom window. And the neighbours would all be watching. I was horrified at the thought. And I had it often. I went out and bought myself a nighty to sleep in. One that fit. So at least when the firemen came to take me out of the house, I wouldn’t be naked.

On the surface, you’d never know I was having those thoughts. I was trying to be as normal as possible with friends and such. I never wanted them to know how bad things were. Not like they couldn’t see it for themselves, but I really thought I’d be able to pretend. Pretend like everything was okay. I never wanted them to know how much I was suffering from this injury. How I just kept hoping I would wake up one morning and both my legs would work again. But that didn’t happen. Not for 10 long months. I knew my friends were worried about me. For being the social animal that I am, I started going out less.  Given I am generally a “hell yes” to live, I started becoming a “hell no”. I started to think of outings in terms of “will there be stairs? will i have to sit on a stool? will i look stupid when trying to stand?” The injury I had sustained was in both of my quads. I could barely get up off my own couch, never mind sit down on the toilet to pee. So the idea of going out, in public, where people would see how pathetic and giant I was..No way Jose.

No. Way.

I think I was depressed. I’m never one to self diagnose, but if I had to guess. It’s likely. No longer was I thinking in terms of what I could do…my life had become about what I couldn’t do. That was the worst part. I was now someone I didn’t recognize.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And even spiritually.

…to be continued

Rita

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Bringing Sexy Back

I have a lot of back story to tell you, but for now, I just wanted to write my inaugural post here at Life Rising.

Today is Valentine’s Day. A day of chocolate, love, (see how I said chocolate first?), friends, and Hallmark. Mostly, Hallmark. I’ve never hated Valentine’s Day, nor have I really had any real reason to celebrate. This year, I woke up on my very first Valentine’s Day WITH a Valentine. Well, we didn’t wake up together, but I do have a Valentine. And it feels kind of awesome.I never really ever saw that happening. Me. With a Valentine. I wanted one. I’ve always wanted to have one. But never thought I’d actually have one. Who was going to love me? Who could possibly love ALL of me?  I’m pretty sure my parents would’ve loved me more if there had been less of me. And maybe there was more of me, because my parents didn’t love me anyway. I’m not sure how that works.

What I can tell you, is that for the first time ever in my Valentine’s life, I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty damn good actually. At this very moment, I’m trying to talk myself out of going to the gym tonight and staying home. Putting on my pajamas as soon as I get home, and maybe, if it works out, popping over to my Valentine’s house for a little Valentine’s smooch.

This past week, I’ve gone back to wearing some of my sexy lingerie to bed.  I did wear it for the longest time, and then it just started pulling at the seams, and not sitting quite right.  I didn’t feel comfortable, never mind sexy in them. There was no way I was going to wear them to bed. Even though I loved them. Even though I spent a lot of money collecting really beautiful pieces. If they didn’t fit right, and if I didn’t feel fabulous..I wasn’t about to wear them, as a reminder that I wasn’t sexy. That I shouldn’t be wearing that kind of stuff to bed. It seemed easier just to sleep naked.

Well. There’s something very sexy about sleeping naked..that’s for dang sure. But when one is not happy with their physical-ness, sleeping naked isn’t all that awesome. Thankfully, this past year has been all about bringing my sexy back. Feeling comfortable in my own skin. Owning what I’ve got. And especially, owning what I’ve no longer got. Oh yes, a much smaller me. Not as small as I’d ultimately like to see myself, but small enough.

I won’t bore you with a bunch of details about how I’ve never been more in love with myself than I am at this moment, no matter how true that is, or tell you all about how hard I’ve worked this year, on every single level, to get here…although I think I just did…what I will tell you is that on this particular Valentine’s Day…my sexy is back..and I”m hoping to pop by my Valentine’s place and shake my sexy up on the hood of my car…maybe.

shhh…don’t tell anyone I just said that.

I thank you for reading this, and I look forward to sharing the journey with you. I’d also love to hear your thoughts, questions, concerns, curiosities etc. There are a lot of nutrition/health/fitness related blogs on the net, so why should mine be any different from those. But to be honest, I don’t want to hold anything back. I want to tell you the whole truth…of what it’s like waking up every morning my whole life pretending like I was something other than who I was. And finally getting to a place where I couldn’t be prouder of who I am.

I promise..there’ll be photos too. Maybe even some of me in that sexy lingerie…you’ll have to come back to find out.

In the meantime..may you have a sexy Valentine’s Day, whether it’s with yourself, or with another.

Rita

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