Throwing In The Towel?

Unless you’ve been here, you don’t know. You can’t know what it’s like to deal with demons and voices and noises in your head.

Granted. There are no demons. And there are no real voices. Nor are there noises that happen in your head. But you can’t tell me that there isn’t a little niggly thought back there in the recesses of your brain telling you that you can’t do it. won’t do it. and shouldn’t do it because you won’t be able to do it and you’ll end up looking stupid.

Because you will end up looking stupid.

So yesterday was Day 16 of #100Days and it was a doozy. Madness actually. Have you by any chance ever done 200 squats in one go? Or 200 push ups? Yeah. Me either. Until yesterday. 2 0 0! Who does that? Even the other trainers in the gym were like “That’s crazy.” 200 Kettle Bell swings. 200 something else. I don’t even remember. It was crazy. Everyone that was there, is sore. Of course. Last night was the first night of the challenge that I took 2 extra-strength ibuprophen before bed. I had to. I wouldn’t have been able to find a comfortable position if I hadn’t. My arms/shoulders hurt so much today I had to bend over in the shower to wash my hair. I’m not even kidding.

And this morning, I woke up and thought to myself..”What the hell am I doing? This is crazy. I’m so tired. I’m not getting enough sleep, I need a day off. Surely everyone will understand if I take a day off. It’s been 17 days already.”

But I can’t. This is what we do. We tell ourselves it’s too hard. We get uncomfortable. We think we’ve pushed ourselves as far as we can go already, and have nothing left. We can’t. We can’t.

I can’t.

But what if I can? What if the voice in my head telling me to just give up before I fall on my face, is wrong? What if I can finish up Day 17? And then Day 18? And so on? What if I start to realize I can’t do this one my own and suddenly people are coming out of the woodwork to contribute in whatever way they can. Because they want to see me win too?

Do you know what else happened yesterday? The scale claims I’ve gained another 3lbs. In addition to the other 5lbs I apparently gained last week, I’m now officially UP 8lbs since I started #100Days and I’m kinda pissed off about that. And I swear to God, if one more kind-hearted, good-natured, well meaning soul tells me that it’s muscle..that I’m gaining muscle..I’m going to have to take that muscle and put it to good use by throwing something at them. I can’t have gained 8lbs of muscle in 16 days. That’s ridiculous. Come on. Even I know that. I know I know. It’s only a number. Throw out the scale. blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all. I do not have a scale at home. Getting on the scale is NOT my idea. But as part of the Biggest Winner program, one of THEIR measurements is a weigh in every Sunday morning.

There are people who don’t come to class on Sunday because they don’t want to get weighed in. Come on people. It’s not just me. And it’s maddening. Doesn’t matter that 2 weeks prior I was DOWN 5lbs and ate exactly the same food the following week and gained 5lbs. I know. It doesn’t matter. I can feel a difference in my clothes. But do you think it matters when I step on the scale and the only thing the trainers see if my weight is going UP, not down?

I’m not doing it anymore. I’ll weigh in at the end of the 12 week program, and at the beginning of the next one. But I’m not doing it every week. It doesn’t work for me. Fuck you scale. A big giant ‘fuck you’ to you.

Today, i want to throw in the towel. But I won’t. Because if I do..I’m giving up on the 100 days, my friend Cindy AND most importantly, myself.

I have a lot of emotions around all this stuff today and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it. But if I don’t get it out of my head, I’ll likely explode and nobody needs to see that.

But let me just say..if you’ve not been here..if you’ve never struggled with your weight, body issues, self esteem, etc. you do not know. You can’t claim to know anything about it. It messes with your mind. No matter how awesome you are, the voices mess with your mind. Well, they do with mine. And right now, the voices are telling me to go home, put on my jammies and grab a bowl of popcorn and watch tv.

But that voice has ruled my life for so many years. It’s time to give another voice a shot…

Stay tuned.


Here’s a photo of cindy and I post workout yesterday. Day 16 complete for us both. And you can tell…we worked hard. (couldn’t do this without you Cindy!) xo

me and cindy day 16


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