Day 40 – What am I Doing Wrong? #100Days


Today is Day 40 of #100Days

Did I wake up excited? Did I wake up like I needed to celebrate something?

Nope. Instead I woke up and my first thought was this:

“After 40 days of working out and going to the gym and hardly socializing, why haven’t I started to notice a difference?”

My second, third, fourth and so on thoughts went a little something like this:

“Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just wake up one morning and BAM! notice a difference? Why is it so easy for ‘fill in the blank’? Why does it seem to easy for Cindy? Why can I see it on her, but I can’t see it on myself? Why? Why?”

And the rest of my morning went just like that. I started to think that my feet were puffy and my fingers and my hands, and my clothes don’t fit right. And then I started to imagine that my neck was expanding and I suddenly now had a triple chin. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Wait…does my jacket feel tight?

It’s madness. I am telling you. Madness. It took me a couple of hours to pull myself out of that slump, but thankfully I was able to do it. A friend asked me, “How did you pull yourself out of it?” and I said “Well, I just stopped thinking that way.” Which is so simple isn’t it? I’m not doing the #100Days because I want some quick fix. That’s not why I started it. That’s not why i was excited to take it on. I did it for me. Because I needed something to challenge me. I wanted to gain some momentum at the gym. I wanted to build back the muscle I lost after taking a 6 month hiatus from really doing much of anything. I wanted to feel stronger.

I figured, if I felt stronger physically, that would translate mentally and emotionally. And it has. Of course it has. I can do more push ups now. I can do squats forever now. I can even do a variation of mountain climbers, where I couldn’t do them before. Hello. I’ve done tire slams! I’ve never done those before. I can squat while holding a tire over my head. I’ve never done that before. I still hate doing burpees and i try and get out of them as often as possible, but now I can do push ups. Did I mention the push ups? I’ve even started trying pull ups. Those are dumb. The point is, there are things I can do that I couldn’t do before. I’ve started to notice little shifts. For example, (and you do not get to laugh), my underwear fits really well. Not like I bought underwear that was too small, but you ladies know what I’m talking about. They just fit better. I don’t feel as silly when I go to bootcamp, and I can’t do all the things that others can do. I just do what I can do. Eventually I’ll be able to do what they can do. Much of what we do, I’ve NEVER done before. I never would’ve imagined that I could do those things. The same goes for what I did on Saturday night. I didn’t think I could do some of those things either, but physical activity makes a difference in SO many areas of life…;)

So what the hell am I ragging on myself for? I have worked out for 40 days in a row (well after today), and I’m beating myself up? Do you see how crazy we are? Humans are insane. We never give ourselves a chance to succeed at anything because we just assume we’re going to fail. Don’t deny it. You know you do it too. People ask me about boxing all the time. I’ve been doing for a year and a half and I still can’t do the warm up skipping very well. I used to skip as a kid in my driveway all the time and I can’t for the life of me, skip properly anymore. So. Do I beat myself up about it? Do I not go? Do I skip the gym altogether? No! Of course not. I go. I keep going. And eventually, I’ll be able to skip properly. The point is that I warm up. That’s the point. The rest doesn’t matter. The rest is just noise in my head. Right?

Yeah. Easy for me to say isn’t it? But we all go there. We all do it. We all find something to beat ourselves up about. Don’t we? The other day, someone told me that I wasn’t putting in enough effort, and I needed to work harder. Not in reference to anything in particular, but about my workouts. I think I took it personally. But this person doesn’t know me. Nor does this person know that I am at the gym every single day of every single week, busting my ass (most of the time), what do you mean i’m not working hard enough??? After I had a chance to step away from it, and think about it, I know that’s not how the comment was intended. And no one really knows how hard I’m working, except me. And I know if I need to kick it up. Or if I need to go to yoga instead of bootcamp because my hip is sore. Or if I need to go for a walk after work so that I can manage to fit in a movie with a friend.

This is MY #100Days It can suck. Or it can not suck. I’d prefer it not suck.

I know we all feel like failures sometimes. I know we all think we’re not doing the right thing, the perfect thing, we could be doing more, we should be doing more, we should take out an extra 500 calories or we shouldn’t have had that cookie, or maybe i should walk to work, or maybe, or maybe, Or if only…Listen. We can “should/maybe/if only” ourselves to death.

I’ve been down that road for most of my life, especially in this arena. I’d like to try something new.

Day 40. Pretty effing awesome.



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