All The Stuff I Don’t Want You To Know #100Days

I just spent the last hour or so, sporadically looking for the perfect photo for this post. And just now, I realized…this is one of those posts that doesn’t need a photo. This isn’t about the bells and whistles. This post is about me keeping my promise to share all the stuff that comes up emotionally, physically, mentally and even spiritually while on this journey to find my healthiest self.

Today is Day 69 and the week started out with me asking myself the question “What is the point in all this?” And that hasn’t gone away. I’m still asking the question. Only now, I’m asking it in a different way. “What the fcuk is the point!?” WHAT THE FCUK IS THE POINT!?

I had a meltdown at bootcamp on Monday. I fought with one of our trainers. Cried. Hated every single moment of it. Hated it. Spent much of the class talking myself out of quitting. Gratefully, I’m not much of a quitter, but I wanted to. Believe me. When I was leaving, I had a conversation with the trainer that I fought with. By the time that conversation was over, I realized she’s just really committed to every single person in that program doing awesome and that’s it. Everything she says comes from THAT place. So the fight wasn’t about her. My being upset..it wasn’t about her. But I was visibly upset by it all. I was shaken. Thrown off. Mad. Sad. Vulnerable. And I wasn’t sure why. Because in the grand scheme, it wasn’t that big a deal. But it felt like a REALLY B I G D E A L.

Then yesterday, while I had lunch with a friend, she heard something in what I said as I was sharing with her about Monday night. So she asked the question that I was afraid she’d ask…without knowing she’d ask it. “I heard you say to the trainer – You don’t know what it’s like. What did you mean? What is it like?”

Fcuk.

I spent 3 months living in Beijing, China when I was working during the 2008 Summer Olympics. It was definitely my dream job, and I worked with amazing people who are great friends of mine now. We had a lot of fun. We experienced a lot of new things. We climbed the Great Wall of China. We saw the Terracotta warriors. If you ask anyone, they loved it and can’t wait to go back. Some of my friends have since, gone back. But me?

You couldn’t pay me enough to go back.

I don’t talk about why. I don’t tell people what happened, or what my experience was like. I just tell people “Yeah, I worked in Beijing during the Olympics and yes, it was very cool.”

I don’t talk about what it was like to have to spend an extra hour or two psyching myself up in the living room, pacing back and forth to put myself in the right frame of mine so I could leave the house. I have never told anyone that the people, so unused to seeing someone overweight walking the streets, used to point at me, and grab each other and make sure I didn’t walk by unnoticed. I can’t even talk about all those people who pulled out their cameras to take my photo when I stood at the stop light. Or those who simply shout the words “ooooOO FAT” at me as I’d walk by them. Never mind telling anyone about those people who would take out their video cameras and film themselves standing behind me or beside me and doing some commentary, so they could show the folks back home about the “circus freak” wandering the streets of Beijing.

No one can know that I would wear my sunglasses even on rainy days because I didn’t want anyone on the street to see the pain in my eyes when they’d stare at me like I was some kind of monster. Or that time that toddler looked up at me and screamed and cried because clearly…I’m a scary monster.

The people I was in Beijing with, the friends I made while I was there, don’t know that I used to walk out of the lobby of the hotel, and get straight into a taxi because less people could see me, and get out of the taxi right in front of the building where I worked, so the least amount of eyes would be directed at me. They had no idea that the times I went to get deep tissue massage done at a clinic for my knee, that the people in the clinic would try and up-sell weight loss acupuncture for a half hour before they’d treat my knee.

Every. Single. Time.

I can’t tell people that this me, this person who loves and who lives and breathes and is ever grateful for the kindness of others, and the love that people have for each other, that I’m the same person who actually fears what people think when she walks down the street. That I literally cringe when I see a tourist with a video camera. That I couldn’t keep my shit together long enough to enjoy my experience in Beijing. Because I have never in my whole life felt more humiliated or embarrassed. That I would go out shopping, come home, have a cry, and then go on with my day. I can’t tell people that if I could put on an invisibility cloak and walk down the street to be saved from people’s stares and jeers and pointing…I would. I don’t want people to know I was weak enough to have had that experience, and that it forced me to find new ways to protect myself and my heart.

People can’t know that THIS is the reason I get so riled up when people are unkind to eachother. My level of passion and/or disdain for the stories about bullying…there isn’t an explanation for it. When I hear of another teenager killing themselves because of all the bullying..it makes me want to slit the throat of the world we live in. Because how in the world can we be so fucking ignorant to one another? Don’t you know the damage that can be done to another human being? We all have feelings. Doesn’t matter how old we are or how old we get. Shit like that stays with you.

I was 38 years old in Beijing in 2008. And, 6 years later, on Monday night, I cried like a 10 year old at bootcamp because we had to go outdoors and walk through downtown to get to where we were going to run some hills and I was mortified. I was humiliated all over again. I didn’t know it at the time. Because what happened in Beijing…was supposed to stay in Beijing. No one needs to know that I was bullied by an entire culture. No one needs to know that.

And honestly..the last thing I wanted to do was tell you about this. To put out into the world the humiliating experience that has impacted me for the past 6 years…There’s a reason why I don’t talk about my experience in China other than to say “I’d never go back” and “yeah, it was cool” even though it wasn’t.

Because my experience in China, broke my heart.

And the only way I know to protect it is to eat all the mini eggs. And pretend like it never happened. But, that hasn’t exactly worked for me…so I thought I’d try something else.

~ Rita

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Disappointment Illusion #100Days by @lolaspeaking

we expect

Today’s post isn’t so much about what day it is…although for anyone keeping track, today is Day 63 of the #100Days workout challenge.

This week has been a tough one. I worked out twice on Friday and then made a 5 hour drive with some friends to a relaxing girls getaway weekend. So amazing and relaxing and fulfilling and restful, filled with good food, great friends, lots of laughs, some tears, and lots and lots of chocolate. I worked out but it didn’t feel like a regular workout because I could just put my pajamas on after I showered or sit in the hot tub. It was fantastic. In fact, I came back on Monday and I was exhausted from all the relaxing.

But this week has been a challenge. Wednesday, I was ready to throw in the towel. In fact, I think I spiritually did. I went home, put on my pajamas, took out my contacts, and sat down to watch the news. Oh yeah. I was done.

Except that I changed my status update to tell people I was done. And bless ’em. People are so great. Everyone was very supportive and great and shared their insights and their kind words. 40 minutes, I sat there like that. Until my 100 day buddy left a comment. Very simple. Very effective. “GET YOU A** TO THE GYM. I’LL SEE YOU THERE!” So, I got up off the couch, changed into my workout gear, and off I went. I wasn’t happy about it, but I went. And I got my a** kicked. But so did she. Tuesday was just as hard to get myself to a workout. But I did that and my reward was a fantastic dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile.

This morning, I had a bit of an epiphany. I got some rest and it was like I lost my momentum. My greatest fear. What if I fall off the workout wagon? What happens when it’s over? I can’t be trusted. I am not reliable. And on and on the negative thoughts go. If I’m not keeping myself busy and being responsible for the negative thoughts…oh my goodness, they just take over. But this morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I found myself thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. That the results “should” be more noticeable. That my clothes “should” be bigger. That people “should” be noticing more changes. And then all of a sudden, it hit me.

Someone asked me when I started the #100Days what I wanted to get out of it. My response was simple. “To finish”. I have never done anything like this before. I may never do it again. But I’ve never done it. So I wanted to see if I could. I thought that was a pretty damn fine goal. But now that I’m well past half way…I think I want more. I think I want there to be more. And there “should” be more. Shouldn’t there?

We humans are so funny. Here I am, doing something that not everyone would be willing to do…and I’m disappointed because I’m not achieving the results I want to achieve. Except that I am. I said that the result I wanted to achieve was to finish the #100Days. I never said anything beyond that. I’m such a jackass. Do you see what I did there? I’m practically giving myself an out. Like it’s okay to not finish because I didn’t get what I wanted anyway. Duh! So dumb! It’s kind of like finding the missing piece to the way I sabotage myself. So if I’m disappointed that I’m not achieving anything, then what’s the point right? So that gives me license to just quit. Oh. No. Not so fast. If what I wanted to achieve was to finish the challenge, well then, I’m achieving that. Full stop.

This morning I put on a pair of jeans that haven’t actually fit for about 2 years. And this morning, they fit. Really well. I’m actually comfortable in them. Thankfully they aren’t outdated so I feel even better about that. I’d say that’s progress. That’s an achievement. Albeit an unexpected and really not very noticeable one. But it’s an achievement.

So what that epiphany says to me is that if saying out loud that what I want to achieve is to finish the challenge, and that’s already happening…what could I say out loud that would have me achieve something else for the next 37 days?

Well. Let’s find out shall we? I’m going to spend the weekend thinking of what I want out of the next 37 days, and I’ll share that.

So the question I want to leave you with is…what are you disappointed in not having achieved, because you never said you wanted to achieve it?

Yeah. Wrap your head around that one.

Day 60 – What I’ve Learned So Far #100Days

Guess what?

Today is Day 60 of the #100Days workout challenge. Seems hard to imagine that 60 days ago both Cindy and I were freaking out a little bit that we had just committed to this giant thing. This challenge that didn’t seem all that possible. What the heck were we thinking? Who does that?

And today…we’re at Day 60. We are more than half way there.

Cindy has completed her 30 day yoga challenge and is nursing a bit of a hip injury so she’s taking it a little bit easy this week.

I was away for the weekend and before I left, I worked out twice on Friday. Once at 6am and again at 830am. WHO. Am. I?

I also took a time out from the girliness of the girls weekend so I could fit in my dirty dozen workout in my room upstairs at the B&B. What the heck?

I won’t lie. Sunday morning, i took full advantage of the hot tub on the deck and sat in it for 90 minutes…my body was so grateful.

I’m utterly exhausted from all the relaxing the last few days.

body_under_construction_mens_tank_top

We don’t spend a lot of time being idle…Cindy and I. We both had to buy more work out gear because we were constantly doing laundry. And today, I find myself wondering what I’ll do when the #100Days is over. I got some messages on the weekend from people who I didn’t even know were paying attention to what I’m up to, who were inspired by what I’m up to. One friend who was going to secretly take on a challenge of his own, and was cursing me for raising the bar for everyone else. I wasn’t intentionally doing that. I just knew for me, I needed something, a positive focus to help me get through my heartbreak. And while it’s still there, and I will never be the same person I was before it happened, I’m stronger. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and especially physically.

I have made new friends through this process who feel like forever friends. One in particular who inspired me to kick some a** at my other gym and while she’s no longer going to be working there…I’ll think of her every time I go and work out there. Because she really got what I’m all about. That my challenge wasn’t just about me. That it was about so much more than that.

I’m just a small piece of what this challenge is about. And honestly..I haven’t had the results on the scale that I would’ve liked so far. In fact…I’m pretty sure I lost the first 10lbs and then stayed put. I have learned that I don’t eat enough. Which I never thought I would say. But I’m about 400 calories less than where I need to be every day for the level of activity. I’ve learned that I actually kind of like squats and push ups and I really really don’t like burpees or mountain climbers. I’ve learned that the people you think aren’t even paying attention, are. And they are cheering you on. I’ve learned that dedicating my workouts to the people who inspire me makes a world of difference in the level of work I do when I’m at the gym. I’ve learned that I’m much stronger than I think I am. I’ve learned that I hate the kettle bells as much as I don’t hate them. I’ve also learned that something like this wouldn’t ever even be possible without buddies helping, supporting, cheering you on. Taking on a challenge like this, quietly, isn’t the most effective way to go. Taking it on and kicking a** at it means sharing about it. Getting people under you to build you up.

The fact that I’m even considering continuing once my #100Days is over speaks volumes. I don’t want to stop. Stopping means risking falling back into the rabbit hole of heartbreak and I’m not willing to go back there. Stopping means, while the scale didn’t go down the last little while, it didn’t go up either. And I’m not willing to go there either. Stopping also means losing focus. And I’m definitely not willing to do that.

In fact…I’m considering up’ing my game.

Any thoughts? Suggestions? On how do do that? Seems hard to imagine that I’m considering doing that given I still have 40 days left…but I don’t want to lose the momentum and I definitely don’t want to survive the next 40 days. I want to kick a** during the next 40 days.

How about you? Where in life could you use some momentum?

Rita
xo

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