Disappointment Illusion #100Days by @lolaspeaking

we expect

Today’s post isn’t so much about what day it is…although for anyone keeping track, today is Day 63 of the #100Days workout challenge.

This week has been a tough one. I worked out twice on Friday and then made a 5 hour drive with some friends to a relaxing girls getaway weekend. So amazing and relaxing and fulfilling and restful, filled with good food, great friends, lots of laughs, some tears, and lots and lots of chocolate. I worked out but it didn’t feel like a regular workout because I could just put my pajamas on after I showered or sit in the hot tub. It was fantastic. In fact, I came back on Monday and I was exhausted from all the relaxing.

But this week has been a challenge. Wednesday, I was ready to throw in the towel. In fact, I think I spiritually did. I went home, put on my pajamas, took out my contacts, and sat down to watch the news. Oh yeah. I was done.

Except that I changed my status update to tell people I was done. And bless ’em. People are so great. Everyone was very supportive and great and shared their insights and their kind words. 40 minutes, I sat there like that. Until my 100 day buddy left a comment. Very simple. Very effective. “GET YOU A** TO THE GYM. I’LL SEE YOU THERE!” So, I got up off the couch, changed into my workout gear, and off I went. I wasn’t happy about it, but I went. And I got my a** kicked. But so did she. Tuesday was just as hard to get myself to a workout. But I did that and my reward was a fantastic dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile.

This morning, I had a bit of an epiphany. I got some rest and it was like I lost my momentum. My greatest fear. What if I fall off the workout wagon? What happens when it’s over? I can’t be trusted. I am not reliable. And on and on the negative thoughts go. If I’m not keeping myself busy and being responsible for the negative thoughts…oh my goodness, they just take over. But this morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I found myself thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. That the results “should” be more noticeable. That my clothes “should” be bigger. That people “should” be noticing more changes. And then all of a sudden, it hit me.

Someone asked me when I started the #100Days what I wanted to get out of it. My response was simple. “To finish”. I have never done anything like this before. I may never do it again. But I’ve never done it. So I wanted to see if I could. I thought that was a pretty damn fine goal. But now that I’m well past half way…I think I want more. I think I want there to be more. And there “should” be more. Shouldn’t there?

We humans are so funny. Here I am, doing something that not everyone would be willing to do…and I’m disappointed because I’m not achieving the results I want to achieve. Except that I am. I said that the result I wanted to achieve was to finish the #100Days. I never said anything beyond that. I’m such a jackass. Do you see what I did there? I’m practically giving myself an out. Like it’s okay to not finish because I didn’t get what I wanted anyway. Duh! So dumb! It’s kind of like finding the missing piece to the way I sabotage myself. So if I’m disappointed that I’m not achieving anything, then what’s the point right? So that gives me license to just quit. Oh. No. Not so fast. If what I wanted to achieve was to finish the challenge, well then, I’m achieving that. Full stop.

This morning I put on a pair of jeans that haven’t actually fit for about 2 years. And this morning, they fit. Really well. I’m actually comfortable in them. Thankfully they aren’t outdated so I feel even better about that. I’d say that’s progress. That’s an achievement. Albeit an unexpected and really not very noticeable one. But it’s an achievement.

So what that epiphany says to me is that if saying out loud that what I want to achieve is to finish the challenge, and that’s already happening…what could I say out loud that would have me achieve something else for the next 37 days?

Well. Let’s find out shall we? I’m going to spend the weekend thinking of what I want out of the next 37 days, and I’ll share that.

So the question I want to leave you with is…what are you disappointed in not having achieved, because you never said you wanted to achieve it?

Yeah. Wrap your head around that one.

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