I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say something that I probably shouldn’t say. Something that will likely make some people uncomfortable. I’m gonna say something that may trip some people up, or trigger some emotions in others. I promise you though…I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. This thing is slowly kicking my a**.
We are taught to be self sufficient and independent and take life by the balls and live BIG and all that stuff. These days, everyone’s writing books and blog posts about how great life is and I swear to God, if I see another “Top 101 Reasons Why Being Single is Awesome”, I’m gonna throw my water bottle at my computer screen.
I get it. I SO get it. Being single IS awesome. You can walk around and belch and fart and not wash your dishes or shave your legs if you don’t want to, you can skip a waxing appointment every now and again, or not get your nails done, or even wait until the last possible moment to do laundry. If that’s your thing. You can do all of those things. You can also go out anytime you want, you can do anything you want, with anyone you want. You can sleep around, you can get on a plane without having to tell anyone where you’re going. You can take a road trip solo, and feel empowered by it. And you can binge-watch Friday Night Lights on Netflix for as long as you want, wearing whatever you want.
All of those things are absolutely 100% true.
Let’s just have a look behind the curtain for a minute…
And then…you have your 40something birthday…and you buy yourself a slice of birthday cake, and light your own candle, and see no one else all day. You wake up alone, you go to bed alone, your phone doesn’t ring all day, your family doesn’t send you a birthday card, actually come to think of it…no one does, cause birthday cards are SO yesterday, and you realize…you’ve never been more alone on your birthday, EVER. And then you realize how much you don’t like it.
That was me. Last Wednesday. I turned 40something, and while I am a big fan of Facebook birthdays (thank you Facebook for making birthdays fun!), I’m also a big fan of phone calls and birthday cards and presents and balloons and a little fuss. I’m past the point of ever having a baby shower. I’m also not likely going to be having an engagement party, and there’s about a 50% chance I may not get married, and if I do, I’ve already got everything I could ever need in terms of what I would need as a gift, so I have one day. One day a year. Just one day. A year.
So the past few days I’ve been wandering around pondering all these things. Catching glimpses of what my life might be when I’m old and grey…and I don’t like it. Not one bit. So I vent to a friend. I get it all out of my head. Swirling around in my head all by myself, is only making things worse.
And then…I get it. The past 45 minutes I’ve been ranting and raving about all of these things, and the things I’m mad about, or not mad about, or at who, or why, and it dawns on me. I’m not mad. Or sad. I’m done. I’m done with all of this aloneness. I’m sick of it. I am SICK OF BEING ALONE! I have been playing a game. I don’t know what it’s called, or what the rules are…but I have definitely been playing it. And I’ve been winning. I love winning games, but this particular one…the one where I am constantly winning at being single…sucks! Don’t play it. And if you’re in the middle of playing it right now, put down the dice and walk away from the board. THIS GAME SUCKS.
I am done. I am DONE playing this game. And I am ESPECIALLY done winning this game.
I am also, very very very done with being alone. My life is so much bigger, and my heart is so much fuller that it seems a waste for me not to have someone to love. AND what a disservice I’m doing to the person who doesn’t get a chance to love the pants off’of me. Seriously. If you met me. You would agree. I am so f**king awesome, even I blow myself away sometimes.
Now. What am I supposed to do about it, now that I’m done? Now that I’m so sick of playing this game, I never want to see it ever EVER again? What do I do? I don’t have a f**king clue. But I will tell you this. I’m walking away from the table. And it feels pretty f**king awesome. And I’m telling you. I don’t know what changed today that I feel like I can tell you. I’m independent, and awesome and have my sh*t together, and my life is awesome, and you should hear about the raddest summer of my life that I just had. AND I’m not gonna lie. All that stuff…it’s not enough anymore.
And that is the sweetest taboo. I’m not supposed to say that out loud. Shhhh…someone might hear you. Someone might tell you you’re not being grateful. Shut your mouth. I’m as grateful as they come. I’m not ungrateful. I’m just being honest. I have never been more in love with who I am as I am right now.
And now, I’d like for someone else to feel that way about me too.
Sue me. It’s true. It’s honest. And yes. It’s a little radical. So? I know I’m not alone in it. So there’s that.
Leave me a comment. I’d love to hear from you. Tell me how much it sucks. Get it out of your head. I know you likely go to bed thinking about it. Or maybe you wake up thinking about it. Tell me. It helps. I promise.
I feel better already.