There’s An Excuse Around Every Corner…

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Five years ago, I was a hot mess. I had a double quad injury I was dealing with and it went on for ten long months, and the longer it went on, the worse things got. The longer the injury dragged on, the less I took care of myself.  The worse it got, the worse I ate and drank. It’s entirely possible I did a lot of binge-eating back then too. It’s hard to believe, looking back that I let myself go like that.

I know it sounds like I’m being hard on myself, but I’m not. I’m just stating facts. Do you know why I’m doing that?

Because the world is full of excuses. There is always an excuse for everything. I always had an excuse at the ready. And then…a friend came over one day and said to me “Rita…this could go either way. How do YOU want it go?” So, no matter how hopeless I was feeling about my injury and how incredibly resigned I was to life being the way it was…I signed up for a very strict nutrition (all natural) program that helped heal my legs in 8 days! it was incredible. And then…life started for me. I made a lot of changes, and then BAM! 3 years later…my relationship ended and I was right back on the couch, crying myself to sleep at night, and slowly but surely, eating poorly, going back to processed foods…all the things I had spent the last 3 years correcting in my life.

I feel like I have no idea how to be successful in this area of my life. Like I’m always finding ways to f**k it up. Like I’m just always going to fail and no one will be very surprised, because this is just how it’s always been. I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. Over and over the cycle goes. Until I die.

2017 is meant to be the year….wait. Let me rephrase that. 2017 is meant to be THE YEAR. THE YEAR that I conquer all the bullsh*t excuses and move on with my life in a way that makes me feel good. And there’s a lot that goes along with that. A lot of emotional ups and downs. It’s a roller coaster of emotion to be sure. I swear some of the weight I’ve lost is from all the tears I’ve shed.

But as I’ve said before…I promised to give up emotionally eating, so now when those emotions emerge…or surface..I gotta get ’em out. And there’s usually a lot of tears involved. The other day, I was SO angry, after spending the entire day listening to people’s excuses. For everything. One excuse after another. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. i wanted to get into a fight with someone. And I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  So around 7pm I decided I would just put myself out of my own misery and go to bed and start again the next day. But…I talked it out. I cried it out. I felt better.

Eighteen years ago, I stopped smoking for good. I have never looked back. Five years ago, I stopped any and all alcohol. I wasn’t ever that much of a drinker, but whatever I was drinking, I stopped doing that, and never really took to it again. Four months ago, I stopped eating processed foods and sugar (mostly), and also, I was born a vegetarian and have remained one my entire life. So…truthfully, I’ve basically stripped myself of all of my excuses and bad habits. (I’m sure if I looked in the corners I’d find some). And I was really mad about that. I don’t have excuses to hide behind. Why? Because when I started this weight loss journey, I promised to share the in between. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’m here to tell you, there’s a whole lotta ugly.

Life is ugly. Life is beautiful and it’s also ugly. There’s a lot of sh*t we keep inside, that we don’t say and we don’t share, or even acknowledge and that takes away from the quality of our lives. Someone hurts our feelings and we don’t say anything. So that’s a few pounds. We get into a fight with our mom and we don’t say what we need to say. So that’s a few more pounds. Our man breaks up with us. That probably accounts for 20 or so pounds. We lose our job. Well, that’s gotta be worth 30lbs. And it goes on and on. The world isn’t just full of excuses y’know? The world is also filled with circumstances. Some beyond our control and some that happen and it’s entirely up to us how we choose to handle it. Do we fall off whatever wagon we’re on or do we keep going and stay committed to what it is we want?

You can see from the photo below what life looks like when we choose to fall off the wagon. Thankfully…getting back on the wagon and staying put…looks much better on me.

I’m totally gonna do this. Just you wait.

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xo

Rita

PS Ditch the excuses in whatever area of you life you’re using ’em and see what happens.

 

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The Redesign

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“The level at which i am willing to participate in life, is equal to the level of ALIVEness I experience.” ~ my words, in my head

 

Ever have your heart broken? Ever not get a job that you really wanted? Ever had a fight with a friend? Get fired? Lose weight, only to gain back twice as much? Fail at something? Not attempt something even though you really wanted to? Lose a parent? A baby? Yourself?

I think we’ve all had variations of all of those I’ve mentioned. What do you think happens as you take one fall after another? I know, all the pundits tell us that we should get back up, and get up more times than you fall down, and all that other stuff. But the reality is, we may stand up again, but we stand up just a little bit shorter than we were before we fell. And then each time we fall, we stand up just the tiniest bit shorter again. I know that’s been the case for me. I’ve fallen more times than I’ve been able to count. After awhile…it didn’t seem worth it. Standing up…didn’t seem worth it.

I was only going to get knocked down again. Why not just stay there. Shave off all the important things that make me, Me.  I stopped being who I knew I was, and became a watered down version of something else. Someone who, on the surface made it look good.  I did stuff. I made it look great at times, in fact. But I wasn’t taking any risks? Not like I know to take risks. I wasn’t putting myself out there. Not like I know to put myself out there.

Someone pokes a hole. Someone says something. Someone looks at you the wrong way. You hear someone was talking about you. The guy you like doesn’t like you. The girl you like doesn’t like you. Someone breaks up with you. Someone betrays you. Someone rips you off. Someone steals from you. Someone notices you fell and rather than help you up…stomps on your foot as they walk away.

We get shorter…

and shorter…

and shorter…

We keep shrinking until someone, one day, someday says “hey…what happened to you?”

Well. That or you decide it’s time to take on your health and get right with everything that’s ever happened in your life that made you shorter, and you promise to stop stuffing all those feelings down by piling more crap on top of the already giant pile of crap you’ve worked so hard at perfecting, just so you never have to look in all the dark corners, at all the places you failed. Or all the relationships that didn’t work out. Or all the men who didn’t love you back. Or all the mean things people said. Or all the times someone poked you to see if your skin would bounce back.

For all those times that you looked at yourself in the mirror and told yourself you weren’t worthy…or enough, or beautiful. Or rather, all those times you looked at yourself in the mirror and simply said “blech!” All those times you’ve beaten yourself up for not doing what you know to do. All those things that you keep saying you’re going to do because you know it’ll make you feel better. All of those things. All of those things happened. All of those things were real. AND…All of those things…are no longer happening to me.

All there is for me to do now is to be willing to “trim the fat” (ha! see what I did there? That’s courtesy of my friend + health buddy) from my life…the taller I stand. This is no longer about chasing a number on a scale. F**K no. The scale doesn’t own me. The scale can suck it. This is about standing up tall, and being ready and beautiful now. This is about not waiting for something to happen, for me to be at x# of weight before I can have what I want. This is about having it now. All of it.

But first…I gotta stand up. And I gotta put my shoulders back, and smile at the world and take on this redesign like a mother f**king force to be reckoned with. There ain’t no stopping me now. Every time I go through the eye of some f**king needle, I think “that’s it…this was the big one…” and then something else comes up. And I can’t stuff it back down now. So…I let it come up, and vomit itself out in the form of anger or tears or rage or sadness or whatever…and I swear it’s like =2lbs every time I do that.

If it’s a conversation I need to have. I’m having it. If it’s a memory I need to get right with. I’m gettin’ right with it. If it’s a course I want to register for but don’t think I belong, or I don’t think I can handle it…well. F**k it. I’m doing it. Cause quite frankly, falling and failing are easy. It’s the standing up that’s hard.

And right now,  I consider standing up, my cardio.

Rita xo

PS…if you fell and you need some help standing up, tell me . I’m here for you.

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