“The level at which i am willing to participate in life, is equal to the level of ALIVEness I experience.” ~ my words, in my head
Ever have your heart broken? Ever not get a job that you really wanted? Ever had a fight with a friend? Get fired? Lose weight, only to gain back twice as much? Fail at something? Not attempt something even though you really wanted to? Lose a parent? A baby? Yourself?
I think we’ve all had variations of all of those I’ve mentioned. What do you think happens as you take one fall after another? I know, all the pundits tell us that we should get back up, and get up more times than you fall down, and all that other stuff. But the reality is, we may stand up again, but we stand up just a little bit shorter than we were before we fell. And then each time we fall, we stand up just the tiniest bit shorter again. I know that’s been the case for me. I’ve fallen more times than I’ve been able to count. After awhile…it didn’t seem worth it. Standing up…didn’t seem worth it.
I was only going to get knocked down again. Why not just stay there. Shave off all the important things that make me, Me. I stopped being who I knew I was, and became a watered down version of something else. Someone who, on the surface made it look good. I did stuff. I made it look great at times, in fact. But I wasn’t taking any risks? Not like I know to take risks. I wasn’t putting myself out there. Not like I know to put myself out there.
Someone pokes a hole. Someone says something. Someone looks at you the wrong way. You hear someone was talking about you. The guy you like doesn’t like you. The girl you like doesn’t like you. Someone breaks up with you. Someone betrays you. Someone rips you off. Someone steals from you. Someone notices you fell and rather than help you up…stomps on your foot as they walk away.
We get shorter…
We keep shrinking until someone, one day, someday says “hey…what happened to you?”
Well. That or you decide it’s time to take on your health and get right with everything that’s ever happened in your life that made you shorter, and you promise to stop stuffing all those feelings down by piling more crap on top of the already giant pile of crap you’ve worked so hard at perfecting, just so you never have to look in all the dark corners, at all the places you failed. Or all the relationships that didn’t work out. Or all the men who didn’t love you back. Or all the mean things people said. Or all the times someone poked you to see if your skin would bounce back.
For all those times that you looked at yourself in the mirror and told yourself you weren’t worthy…or enough, or beautiful. Or rather, all those times you looked at yourself in the mirror and simply said “blech!” All those times you’ve beaten yourself up for not doing what you know to do. All those things that you keep saying you’re going to do because you know it’ll make you feel better. All of those things. All of those things happened. All of those things were real. AND…All of those things…are no longer happening to me.
All there is for me to do now is to be willing to “trim the fat” (ha! see what I did there? That’s courtesy of my friend + health buddy) from my life…the taller I stand. This is no longer about chasing a number on a scale. F**K no. The scale doesn’t own me. The scale can suck it. This is about standing up tall, and being ready and beautiful now. This is about not waiting for something to happen, for me to be at x# of weight before I can have what I want. This is about having it now. All of it.
But first…I gotta stand up. And I gotta put my shoulders back, and smile at the world and take on this redesign like a mother f**king force to be reckoned with. There ain’t no stopping me now. Every time I go through the eye of some f**king needle, I think “that’s it…this was the big one…” and then something else comes up. And I can’t stuff it back down now. So…I let it come up, and vomit itself out in the form of anger or tears or rage or sadness or whatever…and I swear it’s like =2lbs every time I do that.
If it’s a conversation I need to have. I’m having it. If it’s a memory I need to get right with. I’m gettin’ right with it. If it’s a course I want to register for but don’t think I belong, or I don’t think I can handle it…well. F**k it. I’m doing it. Cause quite frankly, falling and failing are easy. It’s the standing up that’s hard.
And right now, I consider standing up, my cardio.
PS…if you fell and you need some help standing up, tell me . I’m here for you.