Yikes. Don’t you want to just hug the person who said it? Guess where it came from?
The dark, scary recesses of the back of my mind. Truly.
If you know me, you already know that I am a huge sucker for love. Love is where it’s at. Love is my religion. I want EVERYONE to have love that blows their minds, that grows their hearts a few sizes. I want everyone to experience love. In all it’s forms. In all it’s glory. Because what is life without love? A part of me wants to burst into song. And yet…another part of me…the part of me that believes that sentence above, is staring at the florescent light above her desk to keep from crying, because for me to believe that I don’t deserve to be loved is the saddest thing I ever could’ve discovered.
Don’t worry. I’m not wallowing in it. I’m sad. Oh boy. Am I ever. I’m sad that I believe that to be true. That at 45 years old, I’m living my life on my own, and watching the world go by…holding hands, making out in corners, sharing lives together. Because everyone deserves to have that. Well.
Everyone except me.
Somewhere, a long time ago, someone said something to me. And I believed them.
I have had an issue with my weight since I was about 8. Well. Actually let me rephrase that. My parents. Society. Etc. had an issue with my weight since I was little. For me, it wasn’t an issue. Until I was reminded of how big an issue it was. That no one would love me if I didn’t lose x..y…z. That no one would want to marry me until…And somewhere along the way…I started to believe it. I didn’t know I believed it. I mean…I live my life like love is all there is. I make sure people know that. If someone came to me and told me that they didn’t believe they deserved to be loved, i would be heartbroken for them. It’s simply not true. Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone.
Until yesterday afternoon, I didn’t know. I wasn’t aware. I had no idea that I thought/believed/felt that. It was just something that was back there, in the dark recesses of my mind, where no one looked, and I just lived my life. Like nothing was wrong. Every now and again, pondering, wondering, questioning, why I might not be in a relationship after all this time. But never turning the lights on back there. In the dark corners.
And then yesterday…I had a conversation with a friend, and suddenly, it came to me. It just flashed through my mind like an electronic billboard quickly switching to the next ad. I waited for the ad cycle to go through again. And then BAM. There it was again. “Rita you don’t deserve to be loved.” I was surprised. I think I may have gasped out loud. I quickly shared with my friend. Who immediately wanted to tell me how crazy that was. But I asked her to listen. Just to listen to what was there. Because if I didn’t get it out of my head, it would get spooked and go back to where it came from. So I just kept sharing. And a part of me was almost excited. Finally. Some movement. Something. I shared with a few people. The more I shared, the more real it became.
Until this morning. When I woke up and realized that this thought. This belief. This banner that I quietly fly over my head…was no longer in the dark corners of my subconscious. It’s right there. Sitting on my face, like an alien hand reaching out to suck out my brain. And no manner of etch-a-sketching my head is making it go back to where it came from. I’m sad to know that for most of my life, I have lived it silently believing that I don’t deserve to be loved. It’s f**ked up. And if you knew me, you’d know how ludicrous this is. And yet…There you have it.
I don’t quite know what’s on the other side. I’m delving into this blind. I don’t know. All I know is that in this moment, it’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s sad. My heart breaks for the me that has lived life with this belief.
And…I asked for it. I said, I wanted to get a look at whatever it is that stands between me and being in love. Well there you go. I just wasn’t expecting it to be such a big mother f**king big thing.
It’s why I make sure that people experience Love. It’s why I’m such a relationship cheerleader. It’s why love is so important to me. It’s why I fight for it. Because I don’t deserve it. But God forbid anyone else ever feel that. Even for a minute.
Tell me. Is there something you believe to be true about you that if you were to say it out loud, would sound ludicrous. And yet…you are 100% sold on it? Share it here. Let’s make this the dumping ground for all the bullsh*t that keeps us from having the lives I showed you mine.
I’d be honoured if you’d show me yours.